Recently I’ve really started to feel frightened by my situation. For the longest time I kind of held on to this silly idea that my depression or whatever this is was just going to go away one day and I could go back to living a normal life. I mean for the past year I’ve really fucking tried to get better yet I’ve made no progress whatsoever. It’s really started to sink in now that I am never going to get better.
I can’t connect with anyone or anything. Everything just feels so fucking pointless. Like why hang out with friends when I have nothing to contribute to the conversation? It just ends in me feeling guilty for not really appreciating their company. Whenever I leave the house my mind is constantly calculating how much longer it will be until I can be back in my room.
I really want to tell my mum how bad things are getting again but at the same time I don’t want to upset her.
I don’t even know where this post is goin I’m going to stop with the word vomit now.
i feel so bad and then the end
At first, I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely, but since you’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you’re stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely and meaningless it is.Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half (via xinisterx)
Anonymous said: I think you're lovely and amazing. Please keep going.
I appreciate that you care but there’s not really much you can say that’s going to help.
I don’t think i’m ever going to want to be alive. I wish I could kill myself and make it look like an accident.
I stayed in bed for over an hour
looked at things on my phone
I felt slightly anxious about nothing particular
I walked downstairs and poured coffee into a jar
I asked a person on the internet if I should take drugs
I took drugs before the person had time to respond
I feel alienated by people who express concern about me without
defining their concern in terms of a specific solution or goal
I dont feel comforted by the idea of an afterlife
I dont want to continue experiencing things after I die
I want someone to pull my hair because I like the idea of someone
controlling my head without touching my head
what is the difference between being an independent person
and being a person who is accepting of loneliness